Trying to get my life back...

The details are a tad too personal for me to write here. Lets just say, I had the fortune and misfortune of experiencing the highest of highs and lowest of lows that any person can experience. The high point lasted all too briefly, and I am now trying to pick up the pieces of my life.

I briefly considered deleting this blog completely. Everything really seemed pointless. But, after wandering around my newly rented apartment, with truly nowhere to go and nothing to do, this silent space was all that I could turn to. There was a time when I had a life right? When I read books, cooked, traveled, had an opinion about things? Maybe its time to be myself again. Writing is a start.

The 'grinding' lady

My childhood days revolved around a plethora of gentle souls popping in and out of our home everyday. Their regular visits were interrupted only during the most intense cyclone, that would promptly render all roads virtually impassable.

We never really needed to look at a clock to check out the time. The paalkari's (milk lady) early morning cry meant that only 30 more minutes of blessed sleep remained before we had to face another grueling day at school. At 9:00 am, it was Sakunthala's turn, feeding my mom with the day's gossip along with menu ideas when supplying the day's veggies. The 'poo' kari (flower lady) would show up just as the evening lamps were being lit, with a face as cheerful as the blooms in her basket. My mom would passionately swear that she was robbing us by gradually reducing the number of jasmine flowers per foot of twine, and the pookari would defend her trade like her family's honor depended on it and magnanimously give us a 'free' 2 inches of threaded jasmine.

The lady who fascinated me the most was our 'araikara mami' ('the aunty who grinds' being a literal and rather weird translation). Impossibly tall and skinny, she would show up every week. After patiently making small talk with my paati, she would sprinkle a few drops of water on our old fashioned grinding stone. Then, she would magically transform soaked rice and dhal into fluffy dosa and idli batter. I would sit next to her, utterly fascinated. Somehow, I could never comprehend how, in the abscence of sharp blades, just a dull stone appliance could work so effectively. I would often playfully drag my fingers along the batter's surface, and mami would never say a word; smilingly, she would simply maneouver the grinding stone away from my fingers.

I took her presence for granted. Now looking back, I can only remember the haunting sadness in her eyes, even as she quietly smiled at me. Was she unwell? What financial troubles prompted a lady like her to take up such physically intense work for a livelihood? In this day of instant dosa and idli batter, what does she now do for a living? Or, has God been kind to her...maybe her son now earns a good paycheck and takes care of her?

After I moved to the USA (its now exactly eight years since), I miss all of them immensely - the milk lady, the watchman, the flower lady, and the grinding lady. I really do. They have always been there for us - even spending many hours with my ailing grandmother, giving her the company that she yearned for. I am now too far away to return their affection - I can only thank them with all my heart.

Welcoming this decade's Big movie event

I'm going to type out a sentence that may seem crazy to some, but I genuinely mean it: Sex and the City (SATC) changed my life.

Three years ago, I was floundering a little in my personal life. I'm not sure why, but I kept moving away from the real me, and tried to fit into the stereotype of what I thought was a "good girl". Obviously, it was a bad idea, and it SO did not work. Then, one lazy weekend, my husband rented the boxed DVD set of SATC 's third season. (yea, you read right - its probably the worst kept secret in North America; men LOVE watching SATC, and most definitely NOT for the Samantha-scenes which give the series much of its notoriety and its R-rating)

It took a while for me to get hooked, but then there was no turning back. I found the message so tremendously liberating and joyful.....I realized there is a beautiful wide world out there, I realized my girlfriends were so precious to me, I discovered the fun in dressing up and being a girl, most importantly, I started being myself.

So, to celebrate this wonderful series, and welcome Sex and the city - the movie, I am going to write about my most favorite and least favorite episodes. Look forward to hearing your take on these!

Sometimes, I act like a tortoise.....

Excessively shy and introverted as a kid, I somehow found myself four incredible friends. We gained a lot of notoriety during our college years, and boy, we had the most incredible time of our lives. Today, more than eleven years later, we are still the best of friends, even though our addresses belong to three different continents and our watches are set to four different time zones.

My friends forgive me for one quirk of mine - Ever so often, I crawl into this shell of mine, cocooned in a silence of my own creation. I do it when life gets a little less than perfect. If there is something that I am immensely grateful to my four friends for - it is their patience. Every time I crawl into my shell, I know I can count on them being there, right outside, waiting for me to crawl back out.
I want to peek out of my shell again. I actually want to write again. So what if life is handing me lemons? Maybe I could blog about lemon pickle recipes? I see and hear things that I genuinely want to talk about, and share with the wonderful readers who sometimes wander into this little crazy world of mine.

The long and short of it

EXTREME MAKEOVER. That is what i am up to these days. Though, I never really intended to go down this path. To cut a long story short (pun entirely intended), I am still recovering from a hair-styling disaster. Why do I call it as such? Well....I was initially inspired by my idol Carrie Bradshaw.

So I bravely decided to get my locks styled like this.......

But finally, ended up with, well, THIS..........................

So you get the picture. When I secretly hoped to look like an Oscar winner, I was thinking Julia Roberts and Halle Berry. Not Javier Bardem.

K looked at me, tried very hard to suppress his broad grin and remarked "awww, you look just like....err...a little boy....oops..no,no,....i swear i meant little girl". Hmmpphh...speaking of Freudian slips...

The bright side of all this is, K's affections are comfortingly unchanged. I guess this is what they mean by true love then. Loyal mom of course loved it (Loyal Mom is a free spirit at heart, and I suspect she vicariously lives out some of her long suppressed desires through me)

Anyways,trying to make the best of a bad situation, I decided to upgrade my entire look, aiming to do the whole cute sporty girl thing. Only problem is, the rest of me is ANYTHING but sporty. So, this has inspired me to launch yet another (no please don't groan already) new self improvement endeavor (and blog series): The Skinny fat girl. Watch this space!

Its the season again...

Sometimes I just...

Love all the wonderful songs of the season and the memories they evoke..
But hate it when said songs are endlessly played in every shop, every second of the day making you long for jan 2

Love the cool deals in every store and the free pass to shamelessly self endulge...
But hate the crass commercialism

Love traditional stories about the resurgence of kindness and hope during this season...
But hate the anger and ill temper exhibited by harried shoppers

Love the sound of the word "holidays"...
But hate the fact that every magazine has self help articles on beating "holiday stress"

Love Starbucks for their heavenly gingerbread lattes and cranberry bliss cakes...
But hate Starbucks for overpricing said goodies, and introducing the holiday red cups earlier every year (whats next? frosty the snowman on labor day?)

Love the idea of baking and gifting homemade cookies...
But hate the fact that I cannot find any eggless cookie recipes or live near friends to gift cookies to

And then, there are times when I....

Hate the fact that there will be no white christmas for me this year...
But love the fact that I do not have to spend four hours on icy roads, dying of fright, trying to driving the 10 miles home from work during a snowstorm

Hate the fact that another entire year rushed past before I even realized it...
But love the fact that a long cherished personal goal of mine finally came true this year

Hate that I will not be celebrating the holidays with all my wonderful friends and family
But love the fact that I have such wonderful friends and family to cherish and miss...

Only 99? Where did the other 1 mark go?

I had a big smile on my face as i read this sentence from the NY times' article today about Bobby Jindal elected as the Louisiana governor) -

"The younger Jindal, growing up in Baton Rouge, was not expected to come home from school with anything less than 100 on tests"

(American politics note for my mom - Governor is the equivalent of our chief minister, and Bobby is the first Indian-American to be elected to such a post)

For any desi born in the 70's (yes, that includes dinosaur me too), this was probably the story of all our lives. A lot is being written about the meteoric rise of Indians all over the world. To me, the reason is really simple. Growing up, we didn't really have a choice. We had to get the 100. The loss of that 1 "mark" was really bad - a sign of how our "future could spoil aaidum". We bitched and moaned, but somehow, that attitude has helped all of us.

Do I want my kids to grow up in fear of the much dreaded 99? Maybe not. But there are times when I am glad my parents brought me up that way. We FOB desis do seem to have come a long way, and we probably have our dads and moms to thank, and maybe the heaping servings of vendakkai curry too!

It is easy to move, but why is it so hard to move on?

I'm moving on to bigger and better things. Then why the heartache? A cosy not-so-little suburb near Chicago was my home for the past four years. I loved it. The dreary gray winters, the searing summer heat, the incredible loneliness of saturday evenings....for some reason, I loved the place inspite of all these, and maybe even because of all these. Maybe it was the gorgeous forest preserves. The fact that you could truly live through the four seasons. Or the fabulous downtown area. Or the proximity to one of the most dynamic cities in the country.

Or maybe it was because of certain incredibly wonderful people. Who did not really have to love me. But did. And endlessly, unconditionally.

Ofcourse, as is expected of me, I will move on, going through the motions, making a new home in the land of sunshine and silicon. New friends, new job... the works. And obviously, Chicagoland and its wonderful people will move on too. Someone new will take my job. It will be business as usual.

But a little part of me will always be in the midwest, just like I left a little bit of myself in Madras. I will always cry a little for everything I left behind, everything that I loved and lost - the little birds that faithfully returned to my deck every spring and patiently waited till I filled the bird feeder, the lofty american flag just outside my window that I silently saluted almost every day, the forlorn howling winds from the lake that kept me company, the beautiful tree outside my house that was my barometer for the various seasons, the friendly indian grocery store where i bought 2 samosas as a guilty pleasure every friday, and last but most certainly not the least....my incredible friends who loved me endlessly and wished me only the very best, even as I chose to move on.

I went to California and found myself in India

There are neighborhoods in the Silicon Valley fondly referred to as Gandhinagar. This weekend, I could see why. The Blockbusters and Kay jewellers were replaced by "Sur sangeet music and dvd", and "Something-ji jems and jewels". We walked to komala vilas at 8:30 am for some hot filter coffee accompanied by MS Subbulakshmi's Vishnu Sahasranamam. For lunch and dinner, it was a literal embarrassment of riches - was it going to be Madras Cafe or the Jain diner? Tiffin or meals? South indian or North indian style buffet? And why eat icecream when you can get fresh cham-chams at Rangoli?

It was fascinating. I saw a mini mile-sur-mera-tumhara video by just watching the parents going for their customary "walk" (do they make it a requirement when approving someone's visa? "thou shalt walk for 3 miles a day through deserted suburban streets"?). I saw a traditional Sardarji, a kadar wearing thamizhian , and a pretty mod jogging Mama - all in exactly 2 seconds.

It was a little mind boggling. I immediately crawled into my virtual shell the way a desi typically does when in the company of other unknown desis. Oh, you know what i am talking about - The soundtrack that runs in our minds as we avert our eyes and frantically (but discretely) head in the opposite direction - Oh...please don't ask me about my employment and GC status and force me to lie and downplay my general good fortune in life..and no....I don't want to become an Amway agent for you...and no....I can barely hold on to my job, there is no way i can sell your "consulting services" to my company....And no, please don't stereotype me by asking "which software platform"....not all we desis are software types

Anyway, I need not have bothered. The junta were pretty cool, nobody gave us as much as a second look. After all, I was in little India, just another face in the crowd. I banished the defensive soundtrack playing in my mind and reveled in my new found status -someone that fits in. And, at the Udupi palace, as I unapologetically attacked my third-trip-to-buffet plate (scaring my husband with my immense appetite), I felt like I was at home. And it felt really good.

Acts of faith

I am not an atheist. Really (though for some reason, my friends and family seem to think I am)

I grew up listening to my family preach the principles of Advaitha - it all made perfect sense -

* You get good or bad things based on your karma
* Your next life time is determined by your good deeds in this life time
* So really, just be good, and suck it up and pay for your past misdeeds
* And sometime in the distant future, you will start pulling out of your good deeds-bad deeds rut and truly start seeking God
* And you will find his divinity in every living thing on this planet
* And you will start loving everyone selflessly and not even hurt a fly
* And you will be released from the bondage of life and death and become one with the One
* And all through this journey, your Bhakthi will help you stay focused on the right path

I always took pride in what I thought was truly absolute devotion, which in my words was complete love and acceptance of God's will. If he wanted me to suffer, I would. I refused to bargain. I chose instead to accept.

However, my friends and family (while acknowledging that i get all basic concepts right), want me to sneak God some favors, and escape from doing time for my bad karma. I truly don't get it. Would my beloved Anjaneya hurt me if I accidentally sang a hymn in praise of Janani instead of his Chalisa on Saturday? Would Dhakshinamurthi refuse to bless me because I didn't have the time to make sundal, as I was busy making money that i am saving up so that my husband and I don't have to work till we are sixty, so that we can retire early and volunteer all our time for good causes?

Don't get me wrong. I am all for prayers. They soothe the heart and help lead you along the right path. But why pray only for 10 minutes a day and why think only those 10 minutes count? Why cant the life that I lead become my prayer? And why cant Love be my God?

Looks like my blog is slowly dying

And why would it not? I am logging in less frequently than even my loyal readers. The widely read ones are obviously the frequently updated ones. And i find myself unable to update my blog. Is it because I am super busy? Not really, i do have a few things going on, but not to the point where I cannot find 10 minutes to rapidly key in three paragraphs of text. No....the real reason is, i find it increasingly difficult to muster up the energy to do anything. I need a paycheck, so I show up at work and go through the motions. But, getting myself out of bed and dressing....thats an immensely painful ordeal.

By the time i go back home in the evening, I am too drained to do anything else. I grab a bite, and hit the sack after re-reading a Harry Potter book. I wake up with a jolt after my mind actively participates in one of two recurring nightmares - major assignment at work that i have not finished, or me at a tranquil beach with a monster suddenly emerging from the sea, and giant tsunami style waves rapidly approaching. I then re-read Harry Potter from 2:30 to 3:00 to lull myself back to some lightly disturbed sleep with acceptable dreams about Voldy and Dobby.

I guess I need to have my head examined. Or I can get all cute about this and quote the following lines...

So no one told you life was gonna be this way????
Your jobs a joke, you're broke, your love life is DOAAAA???
Seems like you're always stuck in second gear,
and it hasnt been your day, or month or even your year.........

Note to mom and sis: Please no calls after reading this post, this is just supposed to be a mildly interesting blog post to fit in with the "i me myself" label

Some days, i'm just mad

I quietly coast along everyday, my work and my lifestyle choices have left me with very few opportunities to interact with people. I kinda dont mind that - i have always been a loner on some level. And then there are days, when even the few conversations i have are unbearable. Today, a lady called. I dont want to go into the details but the bottom line is, she needed my help. She calls me and tears my name apart...she says "hi saae...nnn..dah riy aa....???" I say "umm....you mean (insert my desi name here)"...and shes says "oh yea right whatever". No apologies, nothing. And she needed my help.

Another person at work calls me...she has a problem she needs to solve and essentially needs to go to half the people in my company to get the problem resolved. So she calls me, the first easy target that popped up in her mind, gives me a big lecture and then hangs up on me without saying as much as a "bye" or a "thankyou"

Sometimes i just dont get people. All through my life, i was taught to be nice. I genuinely try to be nice, not because i crave for approval or for appearances, but because this is my religion - love. In the material world, in my day to day life, this niceness has got me nowhere. I dont really want to get anywhere, but i guess it would be nice if people had a little respect?

I guess i have not spiritually evolved into a supremely composed being, who stays calm no matter what. I guess that is why the big caveat is thrown in the Gita - do your thing, but expect nothing in return. I am rambling now and better stop. Some days, i am just mad.

Summer, friendship, birthdays and flowers...

June is all that and more to me. I guess everybody feels this way, there is something special about the month that you celebrate your birthday.

I tried to pretend for a few days that my birthday doesnt matter, i'm too old to celebrate and all that blah... But i realized i was lying to myself. My birthday does matter a lot to me. And i am really grateful to all the people in my life who made the effort to remember and wish me well. And I also cannot accept the fact that not a single person at my workplace wished me. Ok, so they say work is all about business, and you should not take it personally, but i am still a little surprised. Ofcourse, over the next few days, it somehow slipped out and i got a couple of belated birthday wishes, which is, i guess all that i can hope for in the place that i spend 12 hours a day, 5 days a week at.

My parent's wedding anniversary, my mom's birthday, and my baby sister's birthday are also in June. Growing up, this is why i loved june, there were parties and celebrations every single week. I miss all that now, but the wonderful weather more than makes up for it.

To celebrate my favorite month, I decorated my dining table with the centerpiece in the picture. The gorgeous blue glass bowl is a birthday gift from my best friend. It is perfect for displaying cuts of small delicate short stemmed flowers. The beautiful purple and yellow Nemesia flowers are from my container garden. They are long lasting, and have a faint, almost jasmine like fragrance.

Get a life... leave the laptop at work...

For the first time in many months, I felt a great sense of freedom this weekend, coz my office laptop simply did not work. I spent the whole of last year, way too engrossed in my job. Now, thinking about it, I probably was not as effective as I could have been, as I was simply exhausted. This year, a light bulb is suddenly burning bright in my head. For me to be effective at work, I've got to work less, and hence work more. Sounds like an oxymoron, but I have seen many crackberry addicts "working" all through the weekend, and then spending precious hours during the workweek, bitching to their colleagues about how they are overworked...I'm now itching to go to work this monday morning after three whole days away from my office laptop. I hope this new strategy of mine works, i hope i get to see at least some sunshine during the day, and i hope i get a life at least this year!

5 Things you did not know about me (and wish you didnt!)

I have been tagged..

So, here are a bunch of things you may not have known about me..

1) I really wish i was a singer - Ok, i know i'm not good enough, but my dream is , i will be someday, and cut my own album!

2) I am semi-clairvoyant. If i write anymore about this, i may sound like a complete nut!

3) I am a serious political junkie and I am pretty passionate about American politics. I know, i am not an American, but i really believe we live in a small, totally interconnected world, and it is really important we stay aware and informed

4) I take cooking very seriously - i am trying to perfect all the old fashioned iyer recipes. To me, its more than cooking, it is a big part of my heritage and i want to preserve it for the next generations!

5) I am deeply faithful. Ok, so i'm not your regular slokam reciting, fasting type, but my faith is deeper and more absolute than most people around me know

My soul sistah

Desperately trying to get out my panneer pushpangal rut (though i could happily listen to the same 20 Raja songs for the rest of my life), I finally decided to get with the times and started checking out the latest and greatest Pongal releases. And then I checked her tamil blog, saw the very same songs reviewed and went all misty eyed. I realized my little baby cousin - my soul sister, is now big enough to write her own insanely cool blogs, find an adorable soul mate, and live happily ever after....

I didnt realize it then, but growing up with my big sis, soul sis, and her super cool baby sisters were some of the happiest days of my life. So many weekends were spent in a happy blur of endless chatter, music, and awesome food. Especially, when we pulled Jiji paati into the madness, we were a crazy group (imagine a group of gals 70, 21, 19, 16, 12, and 11 years young) We had so much fun together!!!

I cant wait. In just four more weeks, we are going to be together again (albeit only for 2 weeks). There will be more recruits to our crazy gang (moms, soulmates, a little 4 year old gal and a handsome 1 year old!) and hopefully some day, our kids will grow up together, and like us, spend many a happy day sharing the joys of the latest tamil album, the cool beach on a hot summer's day, paneer butter masala from chithapa's favorite restaurants, slivers of raw mango during the summer holidays, endless coffee from mom, and chithi's famous pulao!

Another year has passed....

We started the new century with hopes and dreams, of a peaceful present and a hopeful future. Sadly, each passing year has been bloodier than the previous. Combined with the relentless onslaught of natural disasters and the threat of global warming, the world that our children will inherit is a dysfunctional, damaged, hurting, violent place. Is it fair? Is it pardonable?

This is why i am really looking forward to the new year. Hopefully, it should be a new dawn, with new hopes for peace, everywhere. The shift of power in the US offers great possibilities and if well utilized, could restore America's rightful position in the world. Companies are slowly realizing that profitability and environmental responsibility are not mutually exclusive ideas. Technological advances could bring us closer to the dream of total reliance on renewable energy. We can always hope, and we can always pray....we do not have a choice.

So is this fate?

Check out the two links below. They are related news stories and genuinely scary -

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15759622/

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15254176/

Reminds me of the Final destination movies..

So ok, i said i was going to blog everyday? I guess i need to define what "everyday" means. Because, for me, a week rushes by in a second. One day its monday morning, and suddenly its friday. It seems like this year just started, and suddenly, its going to be december. Where did summer and fall go and why is it winter already?

Back to Blogging

Ok..here it is...a grand new revival of my blog!!!!! The regular readers of my past blogs know my routine by now - i'll blog like theres no tomorrow, and then i'll disappear forever. If you know me, you also know what my old excuses are - too much work, not enough time etc etc etc.....

I want to blog again. There are so many fun little things that happen in my life, and its wonderful to share it with people - family, friends, and strangers alike. I promise - at least one post per day (if not more). I look forward to your comments, and even your contributions (as guest columnists in my blog!)

What to write?

There are many topics that I want to write about, current affairs mainly. However, I have resolutely decided to stay away from anything potentially partisan. This includes my musings about wars, the debate on stem cell research etc.etc..

And that explains my silence on the blog front (and of course, the insane workload). What will I write about? Movies? There is not a single Thamizh movie right now that is worth watching (my blog readers, i will be glad if you disagree with this, and suggest a few good movies for me!) Travel? There is not much variety to my trips up and down I-355. And that is why you see this blog meandering between the following three topics - food, music, and Madras nostalgia. I am desperately trying to break out of this rut....maybe books? gardening? home decor? Help!!!